A question I get frequently is what do we do if our marriage in not in a good place? What types of things should we do to move in the direction of making our relationship healthier? If you find yourself in a place of conflict and you want to start working on resolving it yourself, here are a few things you can do to get back on track and start moving in the direction of health:

First, you need to look at yourself. The problem most of us have in relationships is we are experts on what the other person is doing wrong. We instantly become mini-psychologists and can tell you everything that is wrong with our spouses and what they need to do get on the path towards healing. So all of our focus is on the aspect of our marriages we can’t control! If you have ever seen your spouse as a fixer-upper and tried to change him/her you have probably found what a frustrating and exhausting effort this is. The reason is, no one likes to be a fixer-upper and everyone wants to be accepted for who they are not for what they might become. So the only thing you can change in your marriage directly is yourself. Start with looking at who you are in the marriage and where you are failing and make changes in your own responses and how you relate to your spouse and see what happens. Many times it only takes one person to make changes in their life to cause the other person to have to adjust and make changes too. Now you must remember not to change as a way to manipulate your spouse to change. That doesn’t work. Make changes yourself because you believe it is the right thing to do and expect nothing in return and leave the results up to God.

Second, overcome your fears and choose to move towards your spouse. This is usually the most difficult part because we get into a stalemate in our relationships where we are waiting for the other person to flinch first. We figure we have tried everything we can think of and the ball is now in the other person’s court. The problem is both of you are thinking the same thing and no one moves. I usually ask couples, “whats the worse things that can happen?” If your relationship is moving in the wrong the direction the worst thing that can happen is it continues to move that direction. But if you try something different you might get different results. Most men are afraid of being put down and losing another argument so they check out. Guys you need to overcome those fears and choose to engage your spouse in a loving way and see what happens. Women tend to fear being a door mat and walked all over if they try to engage. Over come that fear and try to engage your husband without trying to change him and see what happens. If we overcome our fears and make positive strides many times that starts to move the marriage in the right direction. 

Finally, focus on what you are grateful for instead of what you want to change. What you choose to focus on will dictate what your attitude will be. If you always focus on the negative and what is wrong with your spouse and marriage you will only see the negative which will fuel your anger. If you choose to focus on what is right and the positive aspects of your relationship your attitude will change to one of gratitude and your responses will be more positive. Your attitude needs to be checked when it comes to your marriage. Many times the only thing that changes is not the other person but our attitudes.

Now I know that this seems simplistic and in many ways it is. Sometimes it is the small things that can make this biggest difference and focusing on these things can really help the state of your marriage. Don’t expect instant results or some kind of miracle. These things take time and having a long term view will help with your outlook.  Making these adjustments in our attitudes and expectations can lead us in the direction of a healthy marriage.

One of the biggest challenges a newly married couple faces is what to do with the in-laws. In fact this is such a universally recognized issue that it is the brunt of jokes and sitcoms all pointing to the problems of meddling parents who get in the middle of the couples goal of marital bliss. It isn’t long before lines are drawn in the sand with loyalty to one’s spouse pitted against loyalty to one’s parents. With this type of either/or thinking it is no wonder so many marriages get off to a rocky start. 

So how does a newly married couple deal with the in-law issue? One of the things it is important to understand is that your parents are going through an adjustment just as you are. They are adjusting to the fact that they are no longer the primary influence in your life and they struggle with how to be a parent to a married child. There really isn’t much out there on how to be a good in-law. So most parents just have to figure this out on their own and most usually struggle with letting go of their influence and control in the life of their child. So they continue to parent their child even though he/she is married now and tend to see the new spouse as a threat to their influence which causes power and control struggles for who will be the primary influence into the adult child/spouse. The only way to help make this transition a smooth one is to recognize the difficult task of adjustment going on for your parents and to take certain steps that allow you to continue to honor your parents while helping them to understand their new role.

First, you need to thank your parents for all they have done to raise you in the right way. Start by acknowledging your parents influence in your life and the things they have done well in preparing you for life. One of the things most missing for parents today is gratitude for all they have sacrificed for their children. Every parent needs to hear they have done a good job as they are constantly analyzing where they messed up or things they should have done before you got to adulthood. Reassuring them on the job they have done will put their hearts at ease and allow them to hear what you are going to say to them about their new role in your life.

Second, let them know that you are committed to making your marriage last the for the long haul and, next to God, your marriage is your primary focus. This will help your parents know that your marriage comes first in any decision you make which means that your spouse has to be a part of those decisions. 

Third, tell them that you appreciate their advice but that you won’t talk about your spouse or the marriage with them because it wouldn’t be fair to your spouse. This sets the boundary early on that they will not have a direct influence into the marriage unless the two of you ask for their advice. Many parents really want to see their kids succeed so they will have a tendency to handle that desire by constantly speaking into your marriage through you. This creates problems because you feel like you have to at least act on the advice given (that’s what you did most of your life) and usually that advice is one sided as they are only getting what they see or hear from you. It is important to hold the line on this to help your parents understand where the limit is on their influence into your marriage.

Fourth, let them know that you know they want you to have a successful marriage and to do that you need to form new traditions together as a couple. One of the most divisive issues in a new marriage is what traditions to continue from each person’s past. There is a loss for your parents when you get married because the family traditions that you are so used to where everyone is present now suddenly have to be shared with another person’s family. The newly married couple can feel torn between the two families with questions of loyalty and equal time coming up in the conversation frequently. It is important to establish with both sets of in-laws that you will do what you can to be fair with everyone but in the end you have to make the best decision for the two of you. Setting this expectation early will help your parents begin the transition to the new reality without prolonging it. Too many couples cave in to the most demanding parents and only prolong the day when this type of discussion will have to happen anyway. By prolonging it, you create more problems because the demanding parents don’t understand why you are drawing those lines now that you have already been doing it after you got married.

In all of this remember that your parents are going through a transition at the same time you are. By taking steps to set boundaries with them you are actually helping them to make the transitions in the best way possible. You need to be prepared for them to push back and even blame your spouse for being the one who is making this decision and having too much control over you. It is important that you stand your ground and let them know it is a joint decision and that it is what is best for your marriage. You may even ask your parents if they want what’s best for your marriage and when they say of course you can let them know this is an important step in helping you start off right. In the end you will help your parents with the transition, strengthen the bond with your spouse, and set up a future of a great relationship with your in-laws. 

There’s a great article on the theology of marriage entitled “Marriage in God’s Story” over on the Resurgence Blog. How we view marriage plays an important role in how we relate and interact with our spouses. If we see marriage simply as something to make us happy and to get what we want, we will only end up hurting each other and using each other to get what we want. If however, we see marriage as a part of God’s plan to grow us to be more like Christ and as a reflection of his relationship with his people, our perspective and approach to marriage takes on greater significance. From the article:

Biblically, Moses first characterized marriage: “Therefore (because of marriage – my emphasis) a man shall leave his father and his mother, hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). In the New Testament, both Jesus (Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:6–7) and Paul (Ephesians 5:32) affirm Moses and agree with God’s definition of marriage:

• It is exclusive (one man and his wife).
• It is not defined by temporal family ties but by permanent covenantal promises (leave father and mother).
• It is a lifetime commitment (hold fast).
• Intimacy (oneness) ensues (they become one flesh).

However, marriage was never meant as an end to itself.

The article goes on to talk about the parallels between God’s relationship with his people, both Israel and the church and how that plays out in the context of our marriages. When you think about it our marriages says something about the that relationship and therefore the gospel to the world. What do people see of gospel when they look at your marriage?

Imagine for a minute you are working with a married couple who is struggling with their relationship. You sit down and ask them what the issues are. Each person proceeds to describe what they think the problem is. Their description is filled with all the things that their spouse is doing wrong with the occasional sprinkle of admission of the “small” things they may have done to contribute to the problem. After both parties have described their concerns you turn to one spouse and ask, “What do you think your spouse is feeling right now?” Or, “Put yourself in your spouses shoes and tell me what you might be feeling.” Silence. Then a fumbling attempt at an answer that usually is far off the mark. Why do we struggle so much with putting ourselves in another person’s shoes?

The ability to put yourself in your spouses’ shoes is called empathy. Empathy allows you to consider how things may be effecting your spouse, to see  his/her perspective, and to be able to actually understand where he/she is coming from. This empathy skill can save you hours of conflict and can actually develop in you a deeper understanding of the other person and even an appreciation for his/her point of view. It is empathy that allows couples to overcome many obstacles and arguments. The beauty of empathy is even if you are wrong in what you think your spouse is feeling, just the act of trying to understand communicates love and connection. If more couples would work at this skill and take risks in asking one another questions instead of always trying to “convince” their partners that they are right or their perspective is the only logical one to have, we would see a huge reduction in the amount and level of intensity of the conflict many couples face.

So how do you begin to have empathy in the context of marriage? First, you have to commit to yourself that winning an argument or having your spouse understand to your satisfaction your perspective are not the goals of your relationship. As soon as you make it about you and your perspective, you fail to have any bandwidth to actually have empathy for your spouse. Second, your goal is to have your spouse say “you got it” either verbally or non verbally. That  means you need to take a risk and say to your spouse, “It seems like you are feeling x.” Or, if you have no clue, “what are you feeling right now and how can I help?” These types of questions will help you become an expert on your spouse the more you practice them. Finally, instead of then going on to forcing your spouse to get your perspective try to move towards your spouse in a way that shows you understand how he/she is feeling. It may be a hug or allowing your spouse to vent. Whatever it is, as long as your emotion and response are appropriate to what he/she is feeling you are showing your spouse you understand and care.

Empathy is one of the major keys to making relationships work and to draw a couple closer together. In what ways have you experienced empathy from your spouse? What are some ideas you can share with others on how to show empathy to your spouse. Share your ideas on the comments section below.

Prayer in a marriage can do a lot to help a couple grow closer together spiritually. In fact research shows that couples who pray together are more likely to stay together than couples who do not. Why is that? Prayer is one of the most personal things a person does in their relationship with God and letting one’s spouse in on that helps him/her to see your heart which in turn allows him/her to connect with you on a deeper level. So how should we make prayer a part of our relationship?

First, pray for your spouse on a regular basis. Prayer is not only a way that we connect with God and have relationship with him, it is also a ministry that we can give to one another. When we pray for or intercede for each other, it is one way we can minister to each other’s needs and puts our hearts and minds in a place of thankfulness for one another. Take some time to ask your spouse how you can pray for him/her and then commit to doing it. Thank God for giving you your spouse and lift up his/her needs to God. You will find not only that your spouse will appreciate the prayer but you will find that your attitude towards your spouse will change and your love and gratitude for him/her will increase as well.

Second, spend some time praying together as a couple. Now I know many of us have had bad experiences praying out loud in front of a group so this could be up there on the list of things you fear right next to public speaking. But remember that this is an opportunity to connect with your spouse and performance in terms of how well you pray or what words you use is not the issue. It is the time you spend together connecting with the Lord that is important. In fact if you are not good at words and have never prayed together you can still pray together without talking out loud. Here is what you can do: 

1. Talk together about what you want to pray about. It could be your relationship, a job situation, or the kids. The important thing is that you decide together what you want to pray about.
2. Next hold one another’s hands and begin to pray silently. 
3. Finally, when you are both done praying squeeze one another’s hands and say “Amen.” 

In this way you can pray together without having to worry about how good your words are. What will happen over time is you will get more and more comfortable with the idea and find it easy to start to pray out loud. The more you do this the more connected you will feel with one another and with God. Prayer is an important part of a healthy marriage so give it a try this week and see how God uses it in your marriage. Be sure to share your experiences with prayer as a couple in the comments for this post. I am sure your story would be a great encouragement to other couples!

Dating is something of a lost art form in our society today especially as it relates to married couples. It seem like all the creative ideas, the things you see in movies, were gone the moment you said “I do.” We guys used all our good ideas to actually get our wives to say yes and set the bar so high for ourselves that we could never measure up on our best day. Our wives used to think we were the best thing since sliced bread and let us know about it both verbally and non-verbally in how they responded to us. There is something about getting into the regular rhythms of life that cause us to abandon one of the most enjoyable and fun parts of our relationship with one another. While we may never go back to the days of husbands who think they are poets and wives who actually think the poetry is any good, we certainly can revive the excitement of dating one another and making that time as important as any other appointment or activity in our lives.

Research shows that time together is one of the leading indicators of whether a marriage is going to survive or not so making time for one another is not a luxury you add from excess time you happen to find, it is a necessity if you want to have a healthy relationship. So what do you do on a date? What do you do together once you make the time? 

Well I don’t pretend to have all the answers for every couple out there because we are all different. For some jumping out of an airplane together is fun. For other, more normal people, dinner is just fine. Whatever it is that you enjoy as a couple here are a few things to consider:

Pick a Regular Time and Block it Off Your Calendar

This whole dating thing cannot be something you get around to when you have time. Just like any other important appointment you would never miss for fear of getting fired or missing a huge opportunity, your date life needs to be a high priority. For Cheryl and I our date time is during the day on my day off while the kids are in school. It works best for us and is a time we look forward to. Figure out what works best for you and make it a recurring event.

Talk Together About What You Want to Do

Instead of putting the pressure on one person who has to determine all the details and might or might not get it right, talk together about what you want to do. If you like the idea of coming up with new things and really want to have one person take the lead, trade off each date time on who will plan the day. Whatever you do make sure you have time to talk and connect together. A date where you only face forward and never interact with one another is  not a date. That is happening to have someone near you while you do something else. Make your date a time to connect. For Cheryl and I, we go to Starbucks in the morning and spend time talking together and usually go to lunch together. We leave the time in between flexible so we can decide what we want to do week to week. 

Check in with One Another and Reconnect

In your date time together talk about life and use it as a time to catch up with one another. This is not a time to bring up all the things your spouse is doing to make your life miserable. That is not a date but an interrogation! This is a time to enjoy your time together and focus on the other person instead of what the other person can do for you. A few things you could ask each other would be:

-How has your week been?

-What are some of the challenges you are facing right now?

-What has God been saying to you lately in your time with Him?

-What things are you excited about? 

-What plans do we need to make together as a couple?

These types of questions allow you to explore one another and enjoy talking together. Remember not to use questions to manipulate your spouse or lecture them. This is a time to enjoy one another’s company.

Do Some Kind of Activity Together

Explore some things you like to do together. It may be as simple as going out to eat all the way to bike riding together. Whatever it is pick something you both enjoy and find a hobby you can do together.

Kindle your Physical Relationship

I know just putting this one out there some of you just let out a cheer and some of you want to stop reading. I put this out there not to say that every date has to end with sex. In fact that would be the wrong reason to have a date if the whole thing is just a set up for sex unless you both agree that is where you are going. I put this out there because the physical part of many couple’s relationships is something that can be left unattended. Over time sex becomes less and less an expression of the relationship and more and more a looming expectation or an experience laden with fears of disappointment. Like anything else, sex is something that we need to be intentional about if it is to be an enjoyable part of our relationship. With so many misunderstandings and hurt feelings that can surround our physical relationships, talking about it and making time for it are vital. Sometimes just scheduling when you will have sex can take the pressure of guessing when the right time would be away and can create a great opportunity to connect. In a future article I will talk about how to talk about sex but for now, consider how you will tend your physical relationship together whether that is during your date time or not.

Hopefully this gives you a place to start in thinking about your dating relationship. Guys remember your wives like to be pursued and what you did to get her to say yes to marrying you probably would still work today. Ladies remember your husbands liked it when you showed that you appreciated them and what they did had an impact on you and doing the same today for your husband will have a profound effect on how he pursues you. Now get out there and start dating each other and remember why you fell in love with each other in the first place!

Just as men and women are created differently, so we also hear honor differently. The core issue for most women is security. Not security in terms of having a home alarm or body guards around her, but security when it comes to the relationship. Women are much more relationally attuned in general than men are and they want to know that they can trust you as their husband to relationally connected and engage. When she knows she can trust you and that you are faithful to her not just sexually but also emotionally and relationally so that she feels cherished and at the top of your priority list, she will be able to rest in your relationship.

If, however, your wife ever feels like she can’t trust you or your are more in love with work or hobbies than you are with her, you are beginning to shake that foundation of security that every woman needs and you are creating conflict and trouble for yourself. So be sure to take time to connect with her on a regular basis. Listen to her talk about her day and be able to remember some of the details that are important to her (I say some because most of us men get lost in the details :). Let her know that you do actually think about her from time to time outside the times when you want to connect physically. When you say you will do something, follow through and make it happen so she knows she can count on you and most importantly, that you think she is important enough to help.

When a woman feels honored and cherished by her husband she is able to rest and feels secure in the relationship. When a woman feels secure in a relationship she is much more responsive to her husband both in thought and deed (and this does include sex men!). So be sure to do whatever it takes to build the security your wife needs in the marriage. When you do this well, you will experience more of what you had when you were dating and she in turn will honor you.

I see a lot of people in marriage who try to use criticism as a way to connect with their spouse or to help make their spouse a “better person.” I really believe that most people think that their approach to criticism is a good one and only has the best of intentions for their spouse. In fact they feel their form of criticism is constructive or not really criticism at all. The problem with criticism is no one really wants it. Think about it for a moment. How many people would raise their hands and say they could use more criticism in their lives because they really want to grow and be the best they could be? Would you really want to receive the criticism you give to your spouse? 

Criticism in a marriage almost always leads to defensiveness and some kind of resentment. Criticism says, “you have something wrong with you and I am going to point it out to make sure you change it because I don’t struggle with those kinds of things in my life.” It almost always comes across as a superiority thing and usually feels condescending at best. It usually communicates that you do not really accept your spouse completely and won’t accept them until they get certain areas of their lives “fixed.”

So if criticism is not constructive, how do I help my spouse change the things that are off? First you need to check your motive. Are you really concerned with helping your spouse grow? Or are you trying to make your own life easier by getting your spouse to go along with your program? If you are doing it for selfish reasons then it will almost always come out wrong. Next, Have you built into the life of your spouse? If you have invested no time into your spouses life and haven’t recognized the positives in your spouses life and pointed them out, it will be difficult to hear your words of correction. Think about it this way, do you honor your spouse as much as you try to change her/him? How many encouraging comments do you give to the number of critical ones? Would your spouse even be able to hear your words of help in areas of her/his life that she/he may need to work on? Or, are you so negative that she/he can’t even hear your words anymore? Have you banked enough encouragement in her/his life that she/he respects and responds when you point out a fault? If you want to have influence into your spouses life, you need to be a person  your spouse trusts and knows has her/his best interests at heart. It is when you have that kind of relationship that it is easy to listen to things you may need to work on in your life. Of course in that kind of marriage it is not criticism at all but truly helping one another to grow.

Of all the questions I get all the time as a Couples Pastor it is always about what a healthy marriage looks like. Most people want a healthy marriage deep down. No one marries thinking that it would really help build their character to have a terrible marriage that challenges them on a daily basis. So what does a healthy marriage look like? What types of things should I have in place if I am going to be able to say my marriage is healthy?

Like anything else it is probably a good idea to go to the inventor of marriage to figure out what he intended for this thing in the first place. I know of no better description of a healthy marriage than what is described in Ephesians 5:21-33:

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

In this passage Paul compares marriage to Christ’s relationship with the church. If Paul can make this comparison it would stand to reason that some of what makes health church in its relationship to Christ would also make a healthy marriage. If you look at most churches they focus on fulfilling the Great Commandment and Great Commission that Jesus gave us. From those two calls that Jesus gave every follower of his we have five areas of focus or purposes for our lives: Worship, Fellowship, Discipleship, Ministry, and Mission. 

Now it is obvious that these five things do not apply to marriage directly. But if we take these five things as we see them in this passage we have five components of a healthy marriage. Worship applied to a marriage becomes Honor, I honor my spouse as an act of worship to Christ. Fellowship applied to a marriage becomes Relational Intimacy. This includes all of the things we naturally think about when it comes to a healthy marriage like communication, handling conflict, romance, sex, etc. Discipleship applied to marriage becomes Spiritual Intimacy. This is the process of helping each other to grow spiritually and become spiritual partners together to become more like Christ. Ministry applied to marriage becomes Partnership which is learning how to take each person’s uniqueness and bring it together so that we are better together  and learn to help one another and help others together. Finally, Mission applied to a marriage becomes Message and for any follower of Christ it is important to understand that our marriages say something about the Gospel to the world around us. When people look at your marriage do they have hope and want to know more about your God? Or do they feel despair and figure when your God can fix your marriage then maybe they will be interested?

Now health in a marriage involves balancing these five concept in your relationship. So when you look at your marriage are these five things present in your marriage? Or are there areas that you are lacking? If they are present are they healthy? Or, do you need to do some more work on some areas? Our Married Life Pathway at Saddleback Church is designed to help give you the knowledge and tools to help you work these five things into your marriage.

Last night we had a great time at our Married Life Essentials event talking about the topic of honoring your spouse. One of the key things any marriage needs is an underlying sense of honor. Honor is the act of giving something high status and recognizing and admiring that thing or person. For most of us who have been married for a while it seems that we just assume our spouse should know we honor them and go about giving our honor to everyone else except our spouse. The lack of honor in a marriage is what can lead to extreme conflict and misunderstanding that can begin to break down the trust and connectedness in a couples life.

When conflict happens, the tendency of most couples is to win at all costs and we follow some predictable patterns of fighting that I have seen in couples time and time again. Guys tend to be competitive and if we can’t win an argument directly we will refuse to engage or even listen so our spouse ends up arguing with herself. The problem with this type of response is it attacks the very foundation of security that every woman needs. This lack of connection and openness leads many women to a place of contempt towards their husbands if this type of response continues over time. If every man realized how important it was to their wives to know that they could be trusted and that they care and create a safe environment for the relationship to grow in, he would never do things that intentionally rock that base. 

Women tend to use criticism in fights in an attempt to “fix” the situation and end up walking all over their husbands deep seated need for respect. With an attitude of “any response is a good response” they settle for bad reactions and attempts to control their husband. The problem with this response is it attacks her husbands need for respect, the very thing that causes a man to draw close to his wife. So in effect this response has the opposite effect that most women want and ends up pushing her husband away instead of providing the connection and engagement she wants. Over a period of time if this response continues the husband will usually withdraw from the relationship and look for other sources of respect by burying himself in work and other hobbies. If every woman realized how important it was to her husband to know that his wife is behind him and admires him, she would never use criticism to try to connect with her husband.

The way to move past this pattern of engagement is to drop the demand that life go your way and choose to surrender those demands for the sake of being one with your spouse. When a couple realizes that they are in a bad pattern or just settling instead of really experiencing the closeness they want in their relationship, they are better able to communicate love in the way their spouse hears it best. If more husbands would understand and build a sense of security in their relationship with their wives and if more wives understood and built up their husbands by being the biggest source of respect in their husbands world, very few marriages would end up in divorce. 

When was the last time you spent time alone with your spouse? Now I don’t mean time alone in the car running from one event to the other. Or, time vegging on the couch after a long day watching television together. I am talking about real time out together like you used to do when you were dating. Can you remember the last time you went on a real “date” together?

Every year I do a survey of couples in our church to get a feel for the issues people are struggling with. Year after year I have found that next to communication, time is one of the things couples in our church struggle with the most. Of course without time you really can’t communicate well so time could even be the contributing factor to miscommunication between many couples. So, in an effort to help you begin to build into your marriage and shape the direction of your relationship instead of just reacting to the many issues that get thrown at you, I want to recommend that every couple schedules some kind of a dating time together.

Now I know when I say that you immediately think you have no time. Besides, getting a sitter is expensive. And, where would I even find a sitter anyway? And, there really are no convenient times to go out at night with other obligations and kids activities, etc. How in the world can we ever make this work?

What I have found in my own marriage is the need to think outside the box when it comes to dating my spouse. We have three boys in elementary school so getting out at night is a challenge. So instead of having a traditional date at night, we date on my day off which happens to be Friday, and we date while the kids are in school. We usually drop off the kids at school, go to Starbucks for coffee and to “catch up” and usually have lunch instead of dinner together. This allows us to get the time we need alone and fits into a hectic schedule that three boys can bring. So being creative with when and how you date is vitally important. 

In the next article I will give some questions and things to talk about on a date, but in the meantime why don’t you share what you do for your own date night to help others who may be struggling with the time issue. What kinds of things do you do to carve out time together? List your ideas in the comments section below. 

Sit Down and Talk Together

Once you have both prepared yourselves by understanding your own views on money and what you think your spouses’ views are, set aside some time to talk about your finances together. Start with a word of prayer together to set the tone for your discussion. Invite the Lord into your conversation and pray for His wisdom on how you handle your finances. Then begin to talk about your finances together. As you discuss these things do the following:

1. This is not a business negotiation: Don’t treat your spouse as an opponent to out negotiate to get what you want. Instead, you need to see your spouse as a partner who has an equal share in what you do with your finances.

2. Come with what you will give up: Instead of defending your spending habits, each of you come with things you are willing to give or cut back for the sake of the budget. That will keep either of you from digging in and not compromising together.

3. Keep the good of the family in the long run ahead of what you might not get in the short run: This is about planning for your future together which means some sacrifice is inevitable. 

4. Remember to honor your spouse in the conversation: This discussion is about your future together. Don’t belittle or dishonor your spouse in the process of having this conversation. If at any time you find that you are getting mad at each other or going to name calling, quit and come back to it later. If you feel you can’t over come your impasse, ask for help from a mentor couple or someone at church. You never want money to become an issue that comes between you.

Talking about money can be difficult but it can also be one a bonding experience if you are willing to hang in there and see it as an opportunity to get on the same page and have the same goals together. There will always be times where you will not agree 100% but how you handle those times of disagreement could help you grow closer together.

When couples are asked to list the things that cause stress in their marriages, money always comes up in the top five. There is something about money that causes issues for people no matter what their marital status. Add another person who you share your earnings with and now you have a major source of discussion and debate. What is it about money in a marriage that causes so much stress? And, how do you begin to talk with your spouse about money in a way that both partners understand one another and can move forward together? 

Start with You

When it comes to talking about money, it is important to have a handle on your own triggers, goals, and ideas on how to manage it. Before you talk to your spouse about money ask yourself: How do I feel about budgeting our money? What things do I typically spend money on that I could eliminate if need be? What are my goals for our money? Are those goals realistic? Or, are those goals built around my own agenda for what I want?

Consider Your Spouse

Once you have had a chance to wrestle down your own thoughts and feelings about money, it is important to begin to think about your spouse and how he/she views money. Does your spouse share your views on money? In what ways would my money habits cause my spouse anxiety? How good of a job do you do of communicating about money to each other? Where would my spouse say I mishandle our money? The more you understand where your spouse is coming from the better your conversation about money will be. Like other areas of your marriage, understanding your spouses perspective will go a long way to avoiding blow ups and conflict when it comes to discussing money.

Contentment is that allusive thing that we all say we want in our lives but refuse to do what it takes to achieve it. This weekend we talked about contentment and the important role it plays in our lives. When it comes to our marriages, contentment is something we need to cultivate but to do that, we need to understand what contentment is. Contentment is being at peace in my circumstances because I trust God for much more in my life. For most of us we see contentment as settling. When it comes to marriage there are plenty of people settling today or trying to get what they want despite their circumstances. Too many focus on what they want from the other person and feel that they can never experience contentment until those wants are satisfied. So we grow discontented when things do not go according to our plan. We then blame our spouse for intentionally frustrating our plans for happiness and the downward spiral of arguments, accusations, and passive ways of relating to get at least a fraction of what we think we want gets set in motion and leads to more and more discontent.

The true path to contentment is not in getting what we want or reaching some mythical place in life where everything is going according to our plans so we can relax and experience contentment. Instead, true contentment in marriage comes when we make some key decisions as it relates to our marriages:

First, stop comparing or wondering what if...

The more we compare our spouse to others or wonder what life would be like if our spouse was different or we married someone else, the more discontent we will be. The comparing game is based on a false reality that is only in our imagination and exists to bring a sense of lack in your life. This is how advertisers work to get your hard earned dollars. They make you feel like you are not happy right now because you lack the product they are trying to sell. Don’t sell your marriage short. Focus on what is great about it and what you are thankful for and see what they does for your attitude.

Second, determine what you are chasing to find happiness and if it causes distance in your marriage stop pursing it...

Every married person I have met wants to be happy in their marriage and that happiness is not a bad thing. It is a healthy thing to want to have a happy marriage. The problem comes in when people choose to pursue perfection assuming that is what happiness is all about. The perfection they pursue is usually directed at their spouse which creates impossible standards for anyone to live up to. That standard of perfection is as unique as the person who sets the standard and can become a moving target depending on how that person feels. Perfection is not a reality in marriage. In fact perfection is a myth this side of heaven. Instead of pursing perfection or getting what you want out of your spouse, choose to pursue being the spouse God wants you to be.  What are you pursing in your marriage that is causing discontent? 

Finally, rely on the strength of Christ...

We usually try everything we can think of and save God as a last resort. So our whole lives end up being a big source of discontent because we are looking for life in all the wrong places. When Jesus said he came to give us life in all its fullness, he meant it. We just have to decide that his view of where true life is found is the best, even better than our view of how life should go. When we embrace that and trust him, knowing he is walking with us in the process, we begin to see our marriages in a different light. We realize that our marriages are not designed to make us happy but to make us holy, that there is no greater relationship to help us see our imperfections and character issues, that provides the support and stability necessary to help us to grow our character to be more and more Christlike than our marriages. When we grasp that, not only does contentment increase, but our love and appreciation for our spouse does as well. What is your view on marriage? What place does Christ play in it?

When it comes to marriage, most couples they believe they entered into a contract with their spouse when they got married. After all they had to go down to the courthouse and get a document that they had to sign along with a minister and two witnesses. Looks like a contract right? As a result of this contract view of marriage, many couples feel they have a right to evaluate how well their spouse is doing at keeping up his/her end of the contract. Just as a person would evaluate the work of a contractor that signed a contract for certain services, doesn’t it make sense that a spouse would have the right to evaluate the performance of the other?

The problem with a contract view of marriage is the focus on performance. Whenever performance comes into the picture in a relationship couples tend to put their focus into making sure they “get what they deserve” or have a “right” to certain things from their spouse. This leads to huge conflict because no one wants to be evaluated all the time and no one really praises anyone for doing what is expected on the contract. Think about it, if I treat my marriage the same way I treat a contract with a plumber the entire focus of our relationship is whether or not my spouse fulfilled the duties stated in the contract. I could be very cordial and even overly kind. But in the end if I feel the person did not do what I was “paying” him/her to do and I feel like the job was not done to my satisfaction, I will call “breach of contract” and look to get my money back. Can you see how that mentally can do damage to a marriage? If I am constantly evaluating my spouses performance instead of focusing on doing what I said I would do regardless of the other person, I am in effect treating my spouse like a plumber I hired for a job! 

Instead of allowing our marriages to be shaped by a contract mentality, we need to model our marriages after the covenant God made with us. If God had made a contract with Abraham and evaluated his performance as a condition of the contract, the bible would have ended in the middle of Genesis! Thankfully God made a covenant with Abraham that he would fulfill what He said he would do regardless. In the same way, in God’s eyes, each of us who are married, made a covenant with one another before God to love and cherish, etc. until death us do part. That means our focus needs to be on how we are doing not on how our spouse is doing. Evaluating our spouses performance is not the way to a lasting marriage. Instead we need to realize we are in a covenant with our spouse and seek to live with him/her the way God lives with us.

When was the last time you evaluated your own performance? Could you live up to the standards you require of your spouse? What “rights” and demands do you need to give up?

Marriage can be hard enough without the addition of kids. Take two people who are naturally selfish each with a crazy schedule. Add a schedule for each kid including school, homework, and other activities. Then add all of the issues that come from raising kids including discipline, chores, hygene, etc. and you have the makings of a time-starved marriage. Many couples handle the chaos by resolving themselves to the fact that they are just not going to have much of a married relationship, never mind dating and romance. They figure that once the kids are old enough to be on their own, they will somehow rekindle the romance and pick up where they left off before the kids came into the picture. The problem is, most couples who have this perspective, wake up one day and realize they don’t really know the person sleeping next to them. With no effort put into the relationship they are left with a partnership instead of a marriage. Not only does that type of marriage hurt the couple, it also models for their kids what marriage is all about for good or bad. So how does a couple keep the marriage going while dealing with changes that happen in a home with kids?

First, we need to make time together a priority. One of the biggest relational issues I have found in surveying couples at Saddleback Church is time. In fact time is usually second to communication which can’t happen if you don’t have time! Now your time together may be different than it used to be, but you need to make it a priority if you are to stay connected to one another. Not making time together a priority tells your kids that marriage is not really that important and there really is no work to it. So what do you do to make time for one another? Instead of dividing and conquering all the time, make it a point to ride together to pick up the kids or drop them off at the next event. During those events grab a cup of coffee or hang out together. Another opportunity is when the kids go to bed (make it early) or while the kids are in school. Find those moments where you can connect. There is wasted time you could definitely utilize!

Second, let your kids know that mommy and daddy need their time together. Your kids need to learn what a healthy marriage looks like and the only way they will learn is by observing how important that relationship is to you and how you model it for them. If you only exist together, your kids will learn that marriage is about sharing resources. If your only interaction is arguments or disagreements, they will learn that marriage is about winning. If they see no romance in your relationship or love for one another they may actually learn that marriage destroys relationships instead of being one of the most intimate of all relationships. You get the point. Model the marriage you would want your kids to have so they have a chance at having it. Otherwise, they won’t have the skills or the background to know how to have a healthy marriage.

Third, make marriage enrichment a priority. We have plenty of things at Saddleback you can plug into and there are more resources in the area of marriage than at any other time. If you don’t work on your relationship your relationship will not grow, in fact it will go backward. Plus modeling for your kids that you actually take the time to learn how to love one another better is a lesson that every parent would want for their kids.

Finally, make time to grow spiritually together. Those who are followers of Jesus Christ know that sharing together what you are learning through time in scripture and prayer is an important part of building a strong marriage. It doesn’t have to be difficult. It could involve talking about what each of you is learning in your bible study and prayer or reading a devotional together. Here again, is another opportunity to model for your kids what role faith plays in your marriage so they can “catch” the importance and see what it looks like.

Adding kids can feel like you are blowing up your marriage or at least putting it on hold for a while. But putting your relationship on hold does not help you to grow healthy kids. Instead it has the potential of growing kids who know nothing of what it takes to have a great marriage. You’ll also end up with a marriage that lacks intimacy and connection. So the big question is, what  are your kids learning about marriage through observing you?

Many couples go through a marriage ceremony but quickly forget the significance and the vows they made that day. Our vows were not a simple contract set up between husband and wife that says if you do this I will do this. This kind of view on our wedding vows leads to many couples calling “breach of contract” when one spouse doesn’t do what the other thought he or she should have. Rather, our vows are a covenant that we make before God to do what WE promised. Reminding ourselves of this is an important part of keeping our marriages on track. This is something we talk a lot about in our Married Life Essentials Event on Partnership.

Surfing the net, I came across an article in People Magazine about a tradition that Seal and Heidi Klum have put in place to remind one another of their wedding vows. Every year they have a vow renewal ceremony with their family and friends:

"It's so special to us, something we love and something our children have gotten accustomed to,"  Klum says. "It's like, 'Hey, Mom and Dad love each other and they get married every year!' " 

Added Seal: "Each year, Heidi and I get remarried. It's a great party, but for about an hour, we go off on our own down to a private beach. We sit there with the kids and read vows to each other as the sun sets. It's a very special moment to us." 

What a great way to recommit to one another and do so in front of the kids so they see what a good marriage is all about and what it takes to commit to one another. I don’t know anything else about their relationship or their lifestyle but in this area of their lives, they seem to have a great tradition. How about you? Have you ever considered renewing your vows to one another? Do you even remember you vows? 

This past weekend, Pastor Rick told the story of some fisherman who had tried everything to catch fish and had come up empty. Yet on that same day, they caught one of the biggest haul of fish ever because of their trust in and obedience to Jesus. There were several points that Pastor Rick covered that have a direct impact on our married lives. For many, marriage can become a place of extreme emptiness and just as the disciples had to invite Jesus into their boat and then obey what he told them to do, we need to do the same when it comes to our marriages. Here are some ideas on how this might apply to our marriages.

Give Jesus Complete Access to My Life

Have you given Jesus complete access to your marriage? Have you turned over complete control to him? When it comes to relationships, especially couple relationships, we have a hard time giving God access because we know that doing so would involve a level of commitment on our part. When we give Jesus complete access to our relationship we know that we can’t hold anything back, including our own faults and the things we are holding onto as “rights” that we feel we deserve. When we give Jesus complete access it means we completely surrender everything to him. Surrendering means that we give up our demands and our “expert” opinion on whose fault it is that things are going wrong and we ask Jesus to do the real inspecting and diagnosis of what the problems are.

As you look at your marriage right now, have you completely surrendered the issues and the results to God? Or, are you telling God “I know you are God but I know my relationship better than you do?” What hurts or fears do you need to give him complete access to?

Admit My Efforts Aren’t Working

Admitting we can’t fix something or that everything we have tried has failed is a difficult thing especially when it comes to our relationships. Many of us think that it would work if our partner would just “get with the program.” So we keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different results which I believe is the definition of insanity! Yet to admit that I am wrong feels too vulnerable and feels like justifying all the things I feel my spouse has done to me. As a result many couples live life doing the same things over and over again refusing to change until the other person does first. 

As you look at your marriage, what things are you stubbornly holding on to that just are not working in your relationship? What do you need to do to stop doing those things? What confessions do you need to make to God and your spouse? 

Obey Whatever Jesus Tells Me to Do

Obedience is a word people try to avoid in life. It feels like a power play or that someone else gets to tell us what to do. Yet that is exactly what we are called to do as followers of Christ. Since he is God, anything short of obedience really is trying to be God in your own life. When it comes to marriage, many of us don’t really want to obey what Jesus tells us to do. Sure we know we need to love our spouse and be faithful to our vows, but Jesus obviously did not have our spouse in mind when he said that. He couldn’t possibly ask me to obey what he would have other “normal” couples do because our marriage is anything but normal. The reality is that God created marriage and he knows your situation and that doesn’t change what he asks you to do. Working with many couples I can tell you that the core issues are usually the same the details are the only thing that is different. So why not obey the one who created marriage and try his way out?

As you look at your marriage, what is keeping you from obeying what God has asked you to do? What is the worst thing that could happen if you attempted to be the spouse he has asked you to be? What is one thing you can do today to show your desire to obey as it relates to your marriage?

Expect Jesus to Turn Things Around

Most people don’t obey because they don’t really trust that the results will work out the way they think they should. Deep down we fear that God will leave us in a lifeless marriage that tortures us for the rest of our lives. Jesus does not ask us to obey because he wants to torture us. He asks us to obey because he knows what  is best and he sees the big picture while we only see now. I can’t tell you how many marriages that have been turned around and people would aspire to today that hung on one decision to follow God’s guidelines and work hard to make it work. If those couples had decided to throw in the towel at that moment they would have missed the joy they are experiencing today. They expected that Jesus could turn their marriages around and they lived as if they believed that to be true.

In you own marriage, do you trust that Jesus can turn things around? Or, do you feel your problems are too big for him to handle? In what areas do you struggle with trusting Jesus? Why?

If we are to have marriages that reflect God’s original intent, then we need to invite Jesus into the boat of our marriages, give him full access to our lives, obey him in every way, and then expect him to turn things around and trust that he will. If you find yourself in a place of struggling in your own marriage, please don’t give up! Take advantage of all the things we have to offer you at Saddleback Church. Attend our Married Life Classes and Events. Come see one of our counselors. Do whatever it takes to turn your marriage around. It is worth it!

First, the same rules that apply to face to face meetings should apply to Facebook. You would never have ongoing dates with members of the opposite sex to discuss your life and marital problems in public would you? ( If you answered yes than that is for another article). Of course not because you know that is not right. Also, it would cause all kinds of problems with your spouse and with others who would see you and suspect you might be having an affair. The same is true for Facebook or any other social media service. Just because no one can see you doesn’t mean it is ok.

Second, if you are writing things you would never want your spouse to see, stop it now. Have an open check and balance system in your marriage when it comes to Facebook. Allow your spouse access to your account. Only use your account when your spouse is in the room. Let your spouse know who all your friends are and even have the freedom to check your email account when you get updates. If you are not willing to be open you are probably already having conversations you shouldn't have.

Third, don’t friend old flames or people you dated in the past. It is probably a good idea to not even have the temptation around. You can completely avoid the temptation by just not “friending” people who could step into this kind of role in your life. 

Fourth, avoid the instant chat feature and texting. If the only form of communication is to write on the other person’s wall, you avoid the long drawn out conversations that feel private that can lead to the kinds of emotional affairs described above.

Finally, limit your online social media time. Don’t get consumed in living in the never ending, always on world of social media. Only check your Facebook page once a day when your spouse is present. Don’t substitute real live face to face relationships for online virtual relationships. You have a real life to live!

Hopefully you will consider the potential hazards of allowing social media to dominate your life and do everything you can to protect your marriage and family. I haven’t met a person yet who said they went on Facebook to find someone to have an affair with. It is something that snuck up on them and happened subtly over time. They thought they were immune when they first started so just be wise in how you engage and interact with these services. While you may never act on or have an affair, having anyone that you compare your spouse to in an unfavorable way will negatively effect your marriage